Jessica Magnin

Flirting with Death
Jessica Magnin
I’ve been lost in thought these past few days and haven’t been able to pause nor alter the direction of their spiral. There has been a lot of white noise and mind spinning without reprieve. To be honest, my thoughts haven’t been very friendly nor very up-lifting. Outside we are blessed with an abundance of light from this breathtaking weather yet inside, it’s rather dark. I am doing the best I can to welcome my thoughts and make space for these unwanted visitors, but the truth is, I want them to go home NOW and leave me alone.

There has been a lot of melancholy, a sense of deep sadness for our planet and how we have collectively taken it for granted, sadness for all the lost souls that are clinging onto whatever they can for solace, sadness for those that are losing their jobs and livelihood and deep sadness for the disconnection that so many feel including me. Maybe all this sadness is MY sadness for all those moments that I have taken for granted our Mother Earth, the times I have struggled with finding myself, sadness in the uncertainty of my future livelihood and the sadness I’ve felt when disconnected from my Spirit. There’s a deep sense of loss, death of what was. I am trying to be a good hostess and entertain the probability that these unwelcomed visitors are instrumental in understanding the bigger picture. I am trying to make room for them and allow them to stay as long as they may without hurrying their departure, but it is hard.

In a very small window of time, death has come to visit. I flirted with my mortality just a few weeks ago when I suddenly haemorrhaged, emptying my body of more than half its blood supply. This left me in the hands of life and death. It was almost surreal and still is to contemplate one’s death when simultaneously the woman in the hospital bed next to mine was experiencing her very own intimate relationship with death. In the terminal phase of her battle with cancer, she quietly requested the doctors to unplug the tubes and stop all meds so that she could greet death in peace. At night, the presence of death kept us company as we both fought to find our sleep.

From my hospital bed, I watched via FaceTime, my mother take her final breaths until there was utter stillness. Her stillness was earthed and yet absent. It was the first time I had seen a corpse, a body emptied of Spirit and breath. It was disturbing and yet peaceful. I know she left her body before her body left her. It felt strangely inhuman to accompany my mother digitally and yet there was no other option.

Since that tiny window of time, death has preoccupied many of my sleepless nights and inhabited my dreams. I am not particularly afraid of dying and cognitively know that it is part of living and yet, that is my head speaking out loud. Inside there is another reality that has summoned up a deep-seated melancholy that sleeps inside me since childhood.

As I sit with this very old melancholic feeling, a memory comes to mind. My parents are sipping their morning coffee whilst reading the headlines of the daily news. I’m peeling the thick skin of a grapefruit from our garden whilst catching a glimpse of very adult black and white images of slain corpses laying on the dirk somewhere off in a place called Vietnam. I remember seeing a full spread of graphic illustrations of nuclear bombs comparing which countries would survive whilst others would perish. It was highly X-rated and seemed too big for little girls. I don’t remember feeling fear that we would vanish in a mushroom cloud but I do remember feeling very sad, that kind of sadness that doesn’t go away.

This old archaic melancholy that has been summoned today is the once again recognition that life is so fragile and so are we. I think I understood this undeniable truth as a little girl. Underneath the melancholy is the surrendering of all resistance and the acceptance of my mortality. In theory, after the death of our parents, we are next in line. We don’t like to talk much about death and any talk is considered morbid. We are conditioned to skirt around this tabooed subject and prefer to throw rainbows and unicorns into our conversations rather than accepting the inevitable truth. Talking about death is uncomfortably disturbing because it ignites our deepest fear of the unknown. And yet, not talking about it doesn’t make it go away. It is always lingering in the background waiting for us to give it some attention so that we can begin living without wasting time.

Healing isn’t found in pasting love and compassion on everything. These elements come thereafter. The true healing comes from hanging out long enough, much longer than feels comfortable, in the depths of the murky waters where the lotus is born. Being conscious not to rush the process no matter how long it takes, I agree to sit in the mud and let the healing unfold. It is in these waters I see the raw acceptance of my fragility and ultimately my mortality. My days are limited and time is ticking. Death, as much as life, walk side by side.

I have lost track of the days even the months. The last time I looked at a calendar or opened my agenda (a compulsive behaviour B.C-19) was the 28th of February to be exact. The days and weeks have meshed together. Time has expanded and yet is slipping through my fingers like tiny grains of sand, filling the hourglass of life. This past month has blurred by. A lot has happened. These times are not normal and yet necessary for our maturity and growth on an individual and collective level.

Each of us has a personal Covid path and to recognise which path is yours, you must get still and stop all movement. When in the crux of big change our natural go-to is to meet and ”assist” change with more movement instead of letting it unfold. Out of fear we cling to what was by doing more of what was and thus resisting the process, the change that is instrumental for our evolution. We are unable to witness our doing because we are scurrying about, here and there, attempting to hold on to before. Maybe it is time to stop and slow down?

My absence as a teacher has been a conscious one and possibly an invitation for you to choose differently too. Teaching is my dharma; there is no doubt. I am here to serve, and yet, in these very unusual times, I am drawn to retrieve my outward presence. It may appear to you that I have abandoned you or jumped ship because I have not joined the masses in posting yoga classes on-line and that I can understand.

I would like to show up for you and yet, not this way. Every ounce of my being is calling me to show you that this ”time” can be different than what we have previously known and done. It is your time, a unique opportunity to slow down and contract instead of expanding. This is your time to hone your energy inward instead of deflecting outward. Can you become interested and curious about what is In there rather than getting distracted by what is Out there?

Lockdown means creating single-pointed (Drishti) awareness which you have been practising through asana, so you’ve got this and it is time to apply what you already know. Sensory overload is our normalcy, this is all we have known. Are we not distracting ourselves with the same stuff as we did before Covid-19? Remember, where your eyes go, energy flows. Soften your gaze, bring it inward. Push the pause bottom.

These times are begging us to try something potently different. If you want to meet change and transformation you must do things differently or you remain where you were. The stillness allows you to see the dust, the dust on your shelves, in your heart, in your mind, and your body. Let’s not lose this opportunity to radically enhance the essential. For most of us, there are no more excuses. The deep inner work is to slow down enough to see and take inventory. What is essential and growth encouraging? What lifts you? What saps your energy?

How I have decided to show up is through writing in hopes that it will ignite your inner spark of insight to reflect. I encourage your thoughts and reflections that can be sent privately or under my posts so that we can create Satsang, a sacred gathering of collective sharing. I would like to equally share some meditations to assist you in your journey inward.

May your journey be safe. May your journey be peaceful. May your journey be insightful. May your journey be authentic. ❤️⭐️
www.jessicamagnin.com

Easy Meditation for Single-Pointed Awareness 🧘‍♂️
Required – 2 stones or objects of your choice. A quiet space. A comfortable seat- a chair or a cushion.

https://soundcloud.com/…/meditation-for-single-pointed-awar…

This simple yet powerful meditation is designed to create single-pointed awareness, which is called Drishti in the practice of yoga. This state induces a spacious yet focused mind allowing for greater presence and your intuitive voice to be heard. You can self-tailor the practice to fit your needs by either lengthening or shortening the time of the meditation, the ratio of your breath ( I used an in-breath of 6 counts and an out-breath of 6 of the same) and replacing the stones with personal objects that speak to you. I love stones so I am naturally drawn to their energy.

This meditation can be done seated in a chair or on a cushion as long as you are comfortably placed. Remember that meditation is a practice and not something to be attained or acquired. There is no perfection in meditation and nowhere to go. Enjoy the process and if today was filled with many visiting thoughts, notice and make that ok. Just keep returning to the practice, to the breath, steady and constant and you will begin to experience a shift. It takes time and devotion and a regular practice cultivates this shift.
I prefer to practice early in the morning before the world becomes busy. I find it easier to receive the gifts of stillness in the early hours. Find a time that works for you and make that time your daily time. Know that 10 minutes daily is preferential than 30 minutes one day and nothing the next. Be consistent and patient. There are no short cuts in meditation, no fast track path, but continual practise day in and day out even if you feel frustrated by a hyper agitated mind. It is just a practice, so we practice. Wishing you a beautiful journey as I send you love and serenity. 💕

First, I want to apologise for my absence and for not writing sooner. Nothing, not even yoga can fully prepare us for life’s challenging moments. With this said, these moments, even if they are unfamiliarly disturbing, they are the threads that make up what is called LIFE. It might not be how You see it, but with no mistake, this is life. One of the pearls of wisdom that yoga has gifted is the humbling embracing of what is.

Things happen and sometimes they seem to build up to some insurmontable mountain. Know that each one of us has the inner strength that might not look like a pushing or fighting, but an inner quiet strength to weather this storm.

Let’s come together. 🧘 i invite you to take a comfortable seat. Allow your body to relax and soften into the space that it is. Close your eyes and notice where your inner sight is naturally drawn to. Take notice. Is this area needing your attention? As you observe, breathe gently in and out with the nostrils. Continue to breathe, slowly down the breath until you reach an equal count of 6-8 breaths in and 6-8 breaths out. Inhaling and exhaling while you watch the space that calls for your needed attention. Now, direct your breath to that area, may it be your ❤️, your lower back that aches, your compressed mind, whatever and wherever it is, stay with it. As you breathe, imagine the breath moving in and through this area, surrounding and filling it with breath. Stay with your breath, stay with that place that calls you in. Feel the breath nourishing as it fills that space. There is expansion and circulation then space. There’s a shift and perhaps greater relaxation , tenderness and freedom. Remain with it for the time needed. Be gentle. #meditation #o2yogabreathelife #getstill #lockdown #covidtimes#yogaeverydamnday #yogapath #breathe #freedom #spacewithin

Counting Breaths
That moment had finally come. My mother was at the 11th hour as her long journey with Alzheimers took a turn for the worse. Hospice was called in and they prepared my mother for her journey home. They prepared us too for what was to come. In tears, I asked, ”how long, how long does she have?’’ The caregiver from hospice softly replied, ”at this point, we no longer measure TIME in weeks, days or even hours, we measure TIME in breaths.” I knew that my mother’s time on this planet had come to an end and finally, she could rest in peace.
As I went to sleep that night, holding my mother close to my heart, I reflected on the words of the caregiver, ”we measure TIME in breaths.” If we honestly looked at our lives and the ways in which we live, we would see that our lives are so often measured by the big events that fill our time on this earth- from birth to our first steps, to our first day of school, to graduation, to securing our dream job, to marriage, to the birth of our children, to their first steps, etc. Our chronological timeline is made up of one headliner followed by another until our last breath.
What about all those in-between moments, the forgotten moments that are so equally important because they too are filled with life? Our in-between moments are the stepping stones that guide us to our headliners and give us the encouragement and respite to move forwards. If we could measure our lifetime by each breath or each step we took we would become steeped in what we call conscious living, living moment to moment. Within, there is time for time to reveal itself and for us to slow way down and experience the epic ness of now. Do we need to wait for death to knock at our door or the door of a loved one before we can start measuring our time in breaths? Do we need a pandemic to slow us to a snail pace before we fully understand and accept the fragility and finiteness of life?
Time for Time
TIME being of essence. We know this but quickly forget. We try to bend time, buy time and in doing so we waste time. So much of our time is unwisely invested in frenzy, in doing a lot of Notting mess, in worry and in fear, holding on to the past and planning the unknown future. Time wasted trying to get ahead of what and of who? We don’t know because we haven’t stopped and taken the time to ask ourselves these questions. Instead, we fast forward to the next big goal oriented headliner whilst holding our breath.
The great sages believed that our days are numbered by the number of our breaths. This equates to slow conscious breathing that allows us to optimise our vital energy, called prana. When we slow our breath down our mental activity slows down as well creating space between your thoughts, especially the ones that are constantly looping. This space gives way to awareness and awareness gives way to presence in the now. Being in the now we hear our breath, witness the rise and fall of our belly, experience the simple art of breathing as an all-encompassing moment connecting us to what is present and what is essential.
In this time of great uncertainly where time has miraculously been gifted once again, we can choose to use it wisely. For some, having extra time can create anxiety and an uncomfortable feeling of void or emptiness; even overwhelm if you were once running after time. These feelings may give way to the urgent desire to clutter the space and fill our time with random activities and reactive thoughts.
Be kind to yourself. This is a new out-of-your-comfort-zone reality. Notice with kindness, without judgement, any need to fill your time, fill your space within and without. Ask with gentleness and compassion, ”what are you naturally or habitually inclined to use to occupy your time and fill your space?” May it be TV, food, alcohol social media, reading, sleeping, working out or judgmental thoughts, invite their full expression without criticism, offer them your full attention and greet them with openness and curiosity. This instrumental insight can be your path to awareness and conscious transformation. From seeing the truth, you thereafter have the choice to shift, even just small incremental steps towards freedom. Can you bear witness to the sensation of endless time even if for just a few breaths before the urge to fill it? Let’s try.

Moving towards a shift.
Take a seat. Make yourself comfortable. Close your eyes, allowing the upper lids to gently rest on the lower lids. Soften your jaw. Allow the legs and the hips to relax towards the earth, creating a sense of stability and presence. Draw your awareness to the base of your spine and from this point follow with your minds eye along the length of your spine. Notice the space that is already present, space between each vertebra.
Now, witness the space between the hips and the base ribs, now between each rib. Feel what that feels like. Feel the space between the shoulders, between the collar bones and from your shoulders to your ears. Notice the space between your temples, the space between your lips. Feel that space. Now, experience the spaciousness from the base of your spine to the crown of your head. Space… space… space…Allow yourself to be bathed in this space, your space.

Now, draw your awareness to the space between your upper lip and your nostrils. Witness your natural breath as it moves in and out, effortlessly, cool breath moving in, warm breath moving out. The space between your inhale and your exhale, just notice spaciousness. Continue to witness the natural flow of your breath as it caresses the inside of your nostrils and breathes you. Feel the breath. Feel the space.

When you are ready, move your awareness to the space between your thoughts, thoughts come and thoughts go and there is space between each. Maybe a nano second but there is space. Nothing to force, nothing to do, just continue to breath and witness, coming back to breath then to thought and then back to breath. Breath extends, the space between each breath too. Time slowly unfolds. Practice regularly, capturing each breath, capturing each moment so that time will be on your side.

#countingbreaths #o2yogabreathelife #covid19 #yogaforlife #time#transformation #yogapath #surrender #meditation